Story of my life…
Dear diary,
My best friend, Rashidah, is getting married today. Her wedding will be tomorrow. And truth be told, I couldn’t bring myself to be at the wedding. Though I may not know why exactly, but I think it’s because of a few reasons.
I remember when my friend Adam was getting married, I went through about a month of self-isolation. Feeling depressed and quiet… couldn’t bring myself to laugh or even smile at a funny joke. Could neither focus on my work nor do anything productive. I would have to say I was depressed. Then after some time, when I managed to adapt to the idea of him getting married and things between us changing to something less of best friends, I became well. I felt better. But problem was, I never knew when he was married since he didn’t really meant to inform me. And things ended badly between us and Karrah. And to cut it short, I never felt so depressed. What with my relationship going down south and my friendship ended very abruptly? I hated me and my life then. To make it worse, the garage next door closed down and my seat was rearranged; I no longer have anything to entertain me by every day at work and I would have to sit at a different place without my amusing friend, Shila. This was one of the phases in my life when a lot of things changed at once. I hated it. I wished I could take a gun and shoot it from before it happened, so I could live life the same way as I intend it to be. But let’s open our eyes wide. This is reality.
At the point of time, I felt as if I was going to choke myself slowly to exhaustion with all these changes. I was going to die silently, and lonely. It was that moment, my heart could not take any more changes in my life. I became a person with a phobia of changes.
Then not long later, Rashidah announced her wedding to me. I was invited. As soon as I heard the news, I didn’t know how I could live with another change in my life; knowing that the relationship with my best friend of almost 6-8 years will not be the same as things were before marriage. It was hard for me to accept. Though I am honest of how happy I am for her, but deep down? Deep down I wished I had done more things with her before her marriage. Maybe if we did, I wouldn’t be this sad? I don’t know really…
And on the other hand, I have to admit, I have all my life been pessimistic about my future. Was never quite the “cheerful-looking forward to future” kind of person. I was more of “lets work hard and get money to travel the world alone and be gone” kind of person. Yes, since I was young, I intended to run away from my future. What do you think was the one reason why I never had a real boyfriend in my teenage years? It is only because I always know deep down in me that my family will never approve of the person I like. And if that really happened, I would be so crushed. So my solution was to never have a real relationship forever. But life had taken a challenge and I met my current boyfriend, Muzhafar. My point is, I may have a little feeling of envy towards Rashidah. To be marrying her love and being accepted by her family members, especially her parents. I can honestly say that I am slightly pessimistic about me having that life in my future years to come. Maybe no one understands this but my family is not easy.
I am really going through a hard time dealing with this. I usually am a strong independent girl who is tough both in and out. But this part of my life has made me realised that I, like a normal human being, am weak and vulnerable.
It is at moments like these, we seek no one else but God, to provide us the strength He possesses. I need to have faith.
There is no perfect relationship. There are always misunderstandings, and some ways that you have to bend in order to gain something greater. The love that you share with that special someone is greater than any complication. Always remember that love can make up for a lot.
